What do I do?

A poem quoted by Elisabeth Elliot
Do The Next Thing

"At an old English parsonage down by the sea,
there came in the twilight a message to me.
Its quaint Saxon legend deeply engraven
that, as it seems to me, teaching from heaven.
And all through the hours the quiet words ring,
like a low inspiration, 'Do the next thing.'

Many a questioning, many a fear,
many a doubt hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from heaven,
time, opportunity, guidance are given.
Fear not tomorrow, child of the King,
trust that with Jesus, do the next thing.

Do it immediately, do it with prayer,
do it reliantly, casting all care.
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand,
who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing,
leave all resultings, do the next thing.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
working or suffering be thy demeanor,
in His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
the light of His countenance, be thy psalm.
Do the next thing."

Not just a miscarriage.

Today would have been my due date. Of course I highly doubt I would have made it this far as I have only made it to my due date once and that was with my first but why am I even going there? That is neither here nor there; the baby was not meant to be. However, that doesn't make the pain of the loss any less. A friend who had a similar experience told me recently that she didn't like the label of "miscarriage" because we actually LOST a baby. A baby died. Babies we both wanted.

Instead I am going to be a grandmother :) And life goes on. I hope to be a wonderful grandmother and I want my grandchildren to KNOW me and I want to know them.

And I am so thankful I have been able to spend more time with my children these last few months. They are amazing people and I am so very proud of each of them.

I've also had the opportunity to meet some pretty great moms lately. Where my older kids take supplemental classes there are several activities that Rae and I have gotten involved in. Many of us have similar interests and our lives revolve around our families and I find that VERY refreshing. I am many years older than several of these moms and I hope to be an encouragement to them as they have chosen to stay home in a world that generally negates that choice. And yet they will not regret it. I want to be what many were to me, a supporter.

On a sad note, my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a mastectomy and now they've found more cancer in a lymph node. It is a very aggressive form, too, and I am so very worried about her. This is my Dad's oldest sister. Life is short, no time to waste.

Okay, I am crying so I thought I would write in the hopes that I would feel better. I am so, so, so sad that I lost the baby. My due date would be any minute now (since I always go early). I was officially due on the 27th of September. I see pregnant women, little children, young mommies with children and I am mostly okay. Not today....no, not today. I wanted that baby. If you do not know, it was in my tube and my tube was about to rupture. I kept convincing myself (with a little help from my ultrasound tech who also thought she saw the "halo" making it an embryo)....that it was in the RIGHT place so every other day we went for blood work and ultrasounds and then one day the cramps started....I KNEW because almost a year before the same thing had happened. That time it had been a complete miscarriage and we never knew exactly where it was. We were suspicious that it was in my tube. This time it WAS in my tube and I had started to hemorrhage. Surgery was necessary and my only tube and my (last?) little baby were both gone forever.

Cherish your little ones. I know I am IMMENSELY blessed (or lucky, whatever your word of preference is) and yet I am so miserable today.

These past few weeks have flown by. My children are going to a very unique school. The classes are small with student/teacher ratio at approximately 9 to 1. I love this! Unfortunately it is an hour away. I would love to live there but R loves it here. Actually I would love to have a huge yacht and travel the world with R and the kids. Change is good. Adventure is what keeps life interesting.